The differences in pretending
by Senom Vefeth
Summary: Sometimes I forget just who I am. Did Draco malfoy ever really exist, or did I just make it all up? I never wanted to hurt anyone, I just wanted to love, but I'm a monster right? And monsters can't love. DMHP DMPP HPHG HGRW
1. Prologue

_The chronicle which follows is that of the life of myself- Draco Malfoy as seen by me. The purpose of which is to differentiate between who I really am and the lies that I portray. Well, not lies really. The people I claimed to be never lied. They just neglected to mention that they never really existed but for the moments in which I brought them into existence. This is a game of mine. _

_I create characters- Fake personas, and I pass them off as myself. I make up everything. From the way I feel about certain people, to the foods I like, to my favorite colour. It's all made up, all a part of a character. It's a game that you will better understand once you're introduced to. I sometimes lose a sense of who I really am. I pretend to uphold the Malfoy name as it's part of my character, when in reality, it means absolutely nothing to me. Names don't mean anything when you're a fake. _

_Unless it's for the purpose of my game, I prefer to be alone. I don't want to let anyone in. I don't want to love anyone. I don't want to hate anyone. I don't want to be emotionally attached whatsoever. That's one reason why I started to play pretend like this. I pretend I'm someone else, then no one gets to know me. People can love or hate whoever they think I am and it makes no difference to me.  
No body knows me, and I like it that way. I portray a mask at all times, and I sometimes use different masks around different people. They think that just because they see a side of me that no one else has seen, that then they've seen the 'true' me, and I intend to keep it that way. _

_No one really gets close to me, and nothing means anything to me. It's all pretend- The trouble is, I'm getting tired of pretending._


	2. A need for change

Draco woke in his dorm before anyone else. He lay there a moment. It was Monday, meaning that he would be picking up his 'game' from where he left it off on Friday. The game of course, being his life. He thought back trying to recall what he had done on Friday….

"…_Big words potter, from someone who hangs out with a mudblood, and a kid who belongs in the poor house."_

"_Shut up Malfoy! You don't have to lash out at everyone just because your father hits you!_

….

Fridays events began to surface in his memory. Why had he pretended Harry's comment had hurt him? Why had he even pretended to hate him in the first place? Maybe because pretending was all he knew how to do. He had faked a look of pain, and stormed from the class. He had been in his room since that time. All the slytherines- even some students from other houses became concerned about him. Of course, this is what you should expect when you act out of character, which is certainly what he was doing. He sighed. This was sick, and he knew it.

An hour later as he sat down in the great hall for breakfast, he felt all the eyes at the table on him. He looked up and glared, "well, stop staring and pass me the coffee!" He snapped. Instantly all eyes dropped, and Pansy passed him the pot of coffee.

"are you feeling any better today?" She asked with a smile, "You were looking rather sick this weekend." She finished. He knew she thought he was upset about potter 'uncovering' his secret, and he could tell by the way that everyone within ear shot cringed, that they expected him to lash out, and cause a scene.

'_Let's see how out of character I can get this week' _He looked up at Pansy from his plate, pecking her on the cheek, he replied, "loads, thanks for asking" She looked slightly confused at first, but then smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder, rubbing his arm gently. "Don't let potter get to you, he's just a bastard who thinks he's too famous to be polite" she said and he nodded.

Despite her being his girlfriend, Draco really had no feelings for Pansy. He wasn't even really physically attracted to her- Sure, she was pretty, but he was just too detached from humanity at this point to have any kind of real romantic feelings for anyone. He didn't need anyone's love.

As pansy's hand wandered to more personal regions, he began to feel sick. He had done this a hundred times with her before, and never felt anything for her. This time it was different, though. He felt almost wrong for taking her love in as though it was nothing.

"I have to go" He said coldly as he rose from the table. He was getting too tired to hold up the mask he needed to become the pretend Draco. He needed to compose himself. He left the great hall, and began to wander the corridors. Immersing himself in his thoughts, he began to contemplate his strange life.

'_What's wrong with me? Why am I getting these feelings? It's like I'm getting tired of pretending. That's ridiculous! Who would I be if I didn't pretend? Draco Malfoy doesn't even exist, apart from the character I created. If I stopped pretending, I would be no one. I would be lost. I would-'_

His thoughts were cut short when he felt his body collide with another, and fall to the ground.

He looked. It was Potter.

"Watch it!" He said, as was expected of him.

"Malfoy? Is that you?" Harry said, in a cool tone. Draco noticed that the other boys glasses had fallen from his face when they had collided, and he was now searching for them, without much luck due to not being able to see where they were. Draco saw them, they had been thrown to a corner. He made a decision.

"God, Potter! You're practically blind, aren't you?" Draco said, retrieving Harry's glasses, and holding them out to him.

"Save it Malf-" He started, then noticed the glasses being held in front of him. "Uh- Thanks" He said taking his glasses and placing them on his face. "Look, about the other day," he spoke awkwardly. "Well, it was out of line of me, and… well… sorry."

Draco looked at him. He looked at Draco. There was silence, and then Draco spoke,

"Well, we all say a lot of things that we don't mean." He continued down the hall leaving a confused Harry behind.

He looked back, and their eyes met for an instance, before he looked away.

'_Perhaps it's time for a change in character' _he thought.


	3. I don't want to hurt anyone

Rain was pouring from the sky, as I walked the corridor to the potions classroom, it was clattering on the windows, making a beautiful racket. My thoughts swirled through my head, taking the edge off the numbness that comes with being nothing. It was getting harder and harder to pretend I wasn't nothing. I was getting too tired to hold my mask up, and I knew it. Somehow, and I don't quite know why, but I felt that potter could help me hold it up. Students were entering the classroom. As I moved toward the door, I felt someone beside me.

Potter

Our eyes met in a gaze with as much as intenseness as when our fighting was at its worst- but were weren't fighting. Grey met green and we were connected through the gaze. Both our eyes wore no emotion, aside from the curiosity that you might find in his if you looked close enough.

All this lasted less than three seconds. We both looked away. I entered the classroom without a word, and took my seat. '… once I have his trust' I thought'… what am I even going to do with him?' Even if I wanted it, it wasn't as though we could possibly have any kind of friendship as long as my house mates could help it. Why did I feel as though he had what I needed to find who I am? Was that even what I wanted? Didn't I already know who I was? I was a monster. An emotionless monster, who wears masks to pretend he's like the others, when he know that's never going to happen.

Pansy sat beside me, and put an arm around my waist. I felt the sickness I felt earlier begin to return. It was as though I was using her. She deserved better than me. She deserved better than a monster. I tensed in response to her embrace. And she let go with a sad look in her eyes. I hated myself. When all she wanted was to be close to me, to love me, to receive my affections- all I could do was hurt her. I wish I could give her my affection, but I don't have any. Monsters aren't generally affectionate. They have nothing, that's why I need my masks. That's why I need to pretend.

I took Pansy's hand in my own and smiled at her. It was the least I could do. She loved me, and this was the least I could do. If I showed her affection, I was using her. If I didn't, I was hurting her. I don't want to hurt anyone, but if she knew what a monster I really am, would she still love me?

The lesson droned on and rain continued to crash against the windows. My mind moved from thought to thought in an intoxicating dance. Before I knew it, the lesson had ended, and the last drops of rain were clinging persistently to the trees outside the window. My thoughts danced on. My cold, numb thoughts danced on. Minutes and hours passed me, as time began to blur. I stumbled around in a daze. I didn't recognizes where I was. I couldn't breath. What was happening to me? As my vision began to blur, I recall I hoping that I was dying. I fell to my knees. Yes, I was sure I was dying. It felt good. For the first time in a long time, I felt relieved. Then I saw them. Those green eyes, that I had thought would be my salvation. They were rushing toward me, I heard something fall to the ground. I felt cold hands on my skin. Was someone calling me? I was being lifted. Then everything went black.

* * *

"Oh, you're awake!" Madam Pomfry looked up from pouring some sort of syrup looking potion into a tumbler. "Then, you can take this. Don't worry, you've just had a little anxiety attack, you can go back to your dorm as soon as you finish drinking that potion"

I nodded, and emptied the contents of the potion into my mouth. It tasted sweet, and made me feel warm, and drowsy. It was nice. I felt almost like I could smile. Was this how normal people felt? I mean, people who weren't monsters. I thanked her, and got up to leave. I pushed the infirmary doors open, only to be met with green eyes.

Potter was there. He was leaning against the wall opposite the door. Was he waiting for me? Was he concerned for me? I didn't want anyone to be concerned, I didn't want anyone to love me. They deserved better.

Potter looked up at me for an instant, before turning, and leaving.

'There,' I thought to myself as I walked to my dorm, 'he probably still hates your guts. He just happened to be standing there when you came out. Did you really think that anyone would really love a monster?' I realized the truth in my thoughts, and feel both relieved and crushed.

'I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt anyone.' I repeated this in my head whenever I felt like I was losing control.

'I don't want anyone to love me, because I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want anyone to love me, because I'm a monster.' I reached my room, and lay down in my bed without even bothering to remove my shoes.

'I don't want to be loved, because I don't want to hurt anyone. But I bet it would feel nice to love." My mind finally closed down, as I felt sleep come on, I still felt the sweet warmth of the potion, 'I bet this is what it would feel like to love. I bet this is what it would feel like to truly be loved'


	4. I wish I could love you

_A fist shot through the air _

_"Please no, daddy please stop daddy! Please! I'm sorry daddy, I love you, and please don't you love me" _

_A mans cruel laughter rang through the air. _

_"Do I love you? How could I? A Malfoy doesn't love! I'll have to teach you that!" _

* * *

I woke up shaking in my bead. It was four in the morning. 'That never happened,' I told myself, 

'he never did that to you. It's okay to love! It's okay to feel.'

Tears were running down my face, and I wanted to die, because I knew that I was lying to myself. I knew that my father had achieved just what he set out to do- he wanted to keep me from ever loving, and he had accomplished that. 

I got out of bed, I didn't want to go back to sleep, I didn't want to dream again. I took to wandering the halls as usual. Allowing thoughts to flood through me

'I just wish I could love. Then I could love Pansy as much as she loves me. Then, I wouldn't be a monster. Then everyone would be happy. I just wish I could love. Then I wouldn't have to push people away. Then maybe I wouldn't have to pretend to be someone. I just wish I could love. 

I continued to walk

"Did you hear foot steps?

I heard a startled girl's voice

"Relax 'babe, no one would be up at this hour. Besides, don't you think it's about time we stopped hiding?"

A boy spoke this time, as I listened to them from the safety of the shadows I culd make out their silhouettes 

"I know, It's just if Harry found out-"

"It's not your fault he likes you' Mione"

My ears perked up at this point.

"Of course I know that Ron! It's just that we're his best friends, and what we're doing could hurt him! I don't even think we should be together!"

There was silence for a moment and I could tell that he had kissed her

"Don't say that, baby" He whispered in her ear "Don't you love me?"

I heard gentle sobs. She was crying now, and he was rubbing her hair gently.

"I think there's someone coming! Do let's go!"

With that they walked off, leaving behind painful thought in my mind.

"Potter loves her, and because he loves her, he's hurting her. He's making her feel guilty for loving someone else. She and Weasly love each other. And because of that, they're hurting potter, and hurting him hurts them. Apparently loving someone can also hurt them as well.'

The fact that love can hurt should have made sense to me. After all, I had loved my father, and gotten hurt because of it. But that was different. He was a monster.

'Would loving Pansy make her happy? She deserves to be happy. I tricked her into loving me, now I have to make her happy, but how do I know that won't just hurt her? Oh, well, It's not as though I could ever love her anyways' 

'Pansy and potter are two of a kind; they both love someone who can never love them back. I wish that they were loved. They deserve to be loved, because they love.'

I sat there thinking for some time before I heard footsteps around the corner.

I looked up.

It was him

"What are you doing here malfoy?" Potter stood where the loving couple had occupied only a short time ago. I approached him. Taking his hands as I had seen Granger take weesley's.

"I'm sorry" I said as tears began to run down my face. "I'm sorry for everything. I managed to choke.

"What the fuck is this?" He asked, shaking my hands from his. "What sick game are you playing with me now?"

"No games Potter. I want to be true to you. I want to love you."

This wasn't a lie. I did want to love him, he deserved love.

"Well, sorry Malfoy, but I'm not a fag." He said coldly to me. I had honestly never thought of it as being like that. I just thought of it as love, whether from a boy or a girl, it didn't seem much different to me. I would give him love. I would make him happy if I had to force him. It was what he wanted and I would give it to him.

"I know how you feel Potter, to love someone and know that they'll never love you. I know you feel alone," I could tell he was getting angry, but I kept talking "But you don't have to be alone. There's so much love for you. I want you to feel loved, because you deserve it"

A fist shot through the air

"Shut the fuck up! I hate you! Just stay away from me, you fucking monster! You have no idea what it's like to love someone! You're just a selfish little daddy's boy who's never loved anyone but himself!" Potter yelled at me before storming off.

His words bit into me. 

He was wrong.

I didn't love myself.

How could he think I could love a monster?

No one could.

All I wanted was to give him the love he wanted, and he had hurt me. I didn't know why I didn't hate him for it. I guess monsters can't hate just as much as they can't love. What was this thing that they called love, anyways? It was beginning to make no sense.

Maybe if I could love, I would understand it better, Maybe I made Potter angry because I didn't know how to give him love. Oh, how I wished I could love!

I got up, and ran. I ran to Pansy. I found her alone in the common room. I kissed her.

"I want to love you," I told her

She pulled me down onto the sofa as she whispered in my ear the thing that always killed me.

"I love you too, Draco"

I knew she wanted more than my body, but I couldn't give her any more than that. I didn't have anymore than that. So I took her in my arms. You would never guess they were monsters arms, but they were. I kissed her with the lips of a monster who was about to take a girls innocence. This was what she wanted, though. I couldn't love her, but I wished I could. I wished so badly that I could, because that's what she deserved.


	5. Maybe if I hold you close

Pansy took hold of my hand as she led us to the great hall for breakfast. She looked up and smiled at me. She was happy because she thought I loved her. I had given my body to her, and she thought that meant I loved her. I tried to mimic her loving smile. I was happy too. I was happy because she was happy. I was happy because she thought loved her. So in essence, I was happy because I was deceiving her. I tried to pretend this didn't make me sick, but regardless of who else might believe you, you can never lie to yourself.

'Would you rather break her heart?' I asked myself. I didn't know what would be worse for her, for me to break her heart, or for me to go on using her like this didn't understand how love worked. It had been a long time since I had loved. Now I'm a monster wearing masks, and monsters can't understand things like that. I'm sure they can't.

"Come Draco, Sit!"

Pansy pulled me into a seat at our table, sitting very close to me. I wanted to pull away. I wanted not to touch her, but instead I moved closer, and put an arm around her, kissing her. The 'The less I understand about love," I thought to myself, 'the more I'll pretend.'

I looked across the room for a moment, potter was looking back at me. He looked angry he looked disgusted. I know how it must have appeared. I confess my love to him and the next day, I'm sitting intimately with another girl. But he didn't understand. He didn't understand that I wanted them both to be loved. Didn't he know that they both deserved it?

He didn't want love from me, though. He only wanted it from her. The girl who sat across the table from him, smiling and laughing. The girl he couldn't have. I could tell that looking at her was killing him, and I just wished that I could love him. Did he think that he deserved to hurt like that? No one deserved that. No one but me.

But he didn't know that.

Days passed by, each day I pretended a bit more, each day Pansy became a little happier. Each day potter died a little more.

'Why can't I help him?

It was late evening; I was walking outside the castle.

'why can't I love him?'

It was beginning to rain.

'He wants to hold her, but I wish I could fill in until he can hold the one he loves.'

And then I saw them, Potter and Granger, they were talking. I watched on, hoping against hope that this meeting would grant potter what he wanted.

"I'm sorry Harry" I could tell his heart had broken with those words, and mine cracked along with his. "I know you just want my love, and I wish I could give it to you, but it already belongs to someone else" She was choking back tears. Tears for him.. "I wish I could pretend to love you, but I can't. I just can't.

She turned.

She ran.

Potter stayed

He sank to the ground

He sobbed

The rain hammered down.

I walked toward him.

I spun him around.

I kissed him.

"I know you don't love me." I whispered into his ear as he cried, "but would you please, please find it in your heart to let me love you? I just wish that I could love you"

"No" He sobbed into my chest" Never, no, no, no, never" He said this, but pulled me closer at the same time, and I knew that he would let me comfort him the way I wanted to.

"You don't have to decide right now" I said to him " but if ever you do decide that you want me, I'll be waiting." Then he collapsed in my arms, and I held him, hoping that if I held him close enough, he wouldn't hurt anymore, hoping that if I help him close enough everyone would be happy, that if I held him close enough, everyone would be loved.

Because everyone deserves to be loved. 


	6. I just want you to be happy

I arrived back in my dorm close to midnight, and soaking wet. I had spent hours outside agonizing over what I had done. I told him I loved him when I didn't. I was a monster luring in another innocent child just trying to find it's place in life.

'I didn't want to do this. I didn't want to be this. I never wanted life to be this way!'

"FUCK!" I threw my fist at the wall. Pain shot through my fist, and for a second all I could focus on was that pain.

"Draco, is that you?"

From the shadows emerged the person I wanted to see least in the world, because it was the person I wanted to hurt the least in the world.

"oh, yeah, sorry, I thought everyone was in bed. I just stubbed my toe, I didn't mean to wake you"

"That's okay! I wait up for you, but I guess I fell asleep so I'm actually glad you woke me" She smiled at me and it made me feel grateful for the pain that I still felt the pain in my hand. Grateful that a monster like me was getting the punishment it deserved.

She drew closer to kiss me, and I wrapped my arms around her. I did that because I really wanted to push her away. I shouldn't be so lucky to have someone so perfect embrace me.

"I love you"

She whispered into my ear as she began to kiss me in all manner of places.

I wanted her to stop. I wanted her to touch and to kiss and to love…. Someone who deserved it.

Somehow we found ourselves lowering to the sofa, our clothes seemingly removing themselves, and I awoke the next morning with her laying next to me and wanted to die, because I knew I'd violated something perfect.

I got up as quick as I could. I knew I should at least wake her up, but I didn't want to see her. I didn't want to be around her because I only violate her over and over again.

So I got up. I got up and I showered got dressed, and went to my classes. I went on with my life, and tried to ignore that I'm disgusting.

"but I _am _disgusting"

"What was that Mr. Malfoy?"

Snape was looking down at my desk with a confused expression.

"Nothing, just writing the note, Sir."

The whole glass sniggered, and I pretended to be embarrassed, but truthfully, I didn't care. I never cared. I hadn't the emotional capacity to care.

But then I noticed Potter looking at me, and found myself not knowing what to think.

All I knew is that I didn't want him to look at me that way. I knew from his face that he felt alone… almost as though he'd lost all hope.

'I don't want him to look that way anymore…. But there's nothing I can do… I can't love him, even if I tried to pretend, what of Pansy? And, and, wouldn't I just be violating him like I do to her?' I balled my hands into fists and dug my finger nails into my skin hoping the pain would distract my thoughts like the night before.

"Did you not hear me? I said class dismissed"

Snape was looking down at me again.

"oh, yes, sorry professor" I tried to seem as collected as I could, " I was just trying to read that last line, got it now, I'll be seeing you tomorrow!" I gave him a wink and tried to seem as cheery as possible. But turning to leave, I stopped dead in my tracks, Potter was waiting in the doorway. Obviously he wanted to talk to me, but he also looked like he was watching me, almost trying to observe me.

"Is there something wrong Mr. Potter?"

Snape scowled at him. He must have assumed he was here to pick a fight with me.

"No, Sir, sorry Sir"

He said emotionlessly, before turning out the door. I followed him knowing that he would be waiting for me just on the other side. I walked as slowly as I could, my mind screaming with each step. Opening the door, I saw him standing there, just as he had been weeks before when I had been in the infirmary.

"I don't know what's with you these days, but I just want to get it clear that I am defiantly not gay"

I nodded. He looked like he wanted me to say something. I had nothing to say.

"So aren't you going to explain what the fuck has been up with you this month?"

He sounded angry when he spoke, but somehow I felt like it wasn't directed at me.

"I told you already, I want to love you"

"fuck you, talk sense!"

He grabbed my arms pinning me to the wall, looking as though he wanted to kill me.

"You were right about me. I'm the worst. I don't deserve to have you love me, but please just tell me what to do and I will give me whatever love you want."

I don't know if he felt my sincerity or not, but at any rate he let go of me and we both sank to the floor.

"What do you want from me?" He asked in a quiet and defeated voice.

"I just want you to be happy"

But I can't make him happy, can I? I'm only luring him in close to me in hopes of devouring him, aren't I? Because what else could a monster want?


	7. I want to die

"_Daddy stop it"_

_eager hands tore the clothes from a small frame._

"_daddy what are you doing, daddy don't!"_

_The small boy's heart began to pound like the wings of a hummingbird against the walls of the cage when it realizes it's been trapped with no way out. He knew what was happening was wrong._

""_I'll teach you a thing or two about love" a cruel grin spread across the mans face_

I stopped in my tracks as this imaged replayed in my head. I couldn't help but think of it. No matter how hard I tried to forget that it happened, the imaged burned on in my mind leaving an ugly scar across my mind.

I remember that being the first time I wished I would die.

And not a day has gone by since when I haven't said to myself, " I want to die"

I wanted to die because I was a spitting image of my father. I was doing to pansy

_And now him, too._

"Potter"

"What the hell is your problem?"

I spun around, I had been so absorbed by the memory I hadn't realized anyone behind me. Weasly and Granger stood there holding hands. I imagine they were curious as to why I had stopped in the middle of the hallway and darkly uttered their best friends' name. I couldn't blame them.

Did he really want to know what my problem was? Did he really want to know that I was a monster?

"I just want to know how he's been lately" I finally said "potter I mean.

"Why? So you can make fun of him some more?" Weasly took a step forward into my personal space. "For your information, he's having a pretty hard time in life right now so stay the hell away from him, understand?"

"I understand better than you ever could" I didn't really know where that came from, but I continued anyways like I was no longer in control of my speech "You couldn't understand what he's going through because you have a family who loves you, you have best friends who can relate to you…. And someone… to love… who can love you."

At this I turned and ran. I ran because I didn't want them to see me cry. And I couldn't help but cry, because Potter had nothing. I worry about Pansy, oh gods do I worry about Pansy… but while worrying that she never went hungry I was letting someone else starve to death.

'If no one loves him, will he die like I did?

Will he turn into a monster?'

Tars were running down my cheeks and I couldn't make them stop.

I wanted to die. I wanted to die because I didn't know what people needed to be happy. I couldn't make anyone happy because I was too stupid. I wanted to die because I was just a stupid selfish monster. I wanted to die because I was just like my father.

"Malfoy? Are you okay?"

I looked up and saw him.

"Potter"

I didn't know what I was doing. It was like when I lost control of my speech before, but this time it was my whole body. I grabbed him and pulled him close and brought us to a closet where I did all the things I did with Pansy that were the last things I wanted to do. And amidst my cries and whispers of, " love you," and his sobs of " I don't want to be alone anymore- I wanted to die.


	8. To Rest in Peace

Harry didn't come to classes the next day. I didn't see him at breakfast and never passed him in the hall.

He stayed in his room the whole day.

As I walked to dinner, I was filled with self loathing.

'_I don't understand. Maybe something did hurt him. I don't understand enough. How could I have acted without understanding? Oh, gods, nothing I do is ever right. What can a monster do right except hurt people? I should have died. I can't control what I do to people so I should die.'_

"Hold up Malfoy"

a small gang of male gryffindors stood in my way. Including Harries red haired companion. A wave of panic spread through my nervous system and I knew this wouldn't end well.

"Tell me it's not true" Weasley faced the ground and spoke with a voice full of anger and resentment.

"I don't know what you're talking about" I spoke coolly, and he lifted his face his eyes looked as though he were ready to kill wearing unshed tears.

"Tell me you didn't rape him!"

I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. Time had frozen.

'_I raped him. I raped him. I raped him. That's not what I meant to do Is that what I did? I think I'm going to be sick. How could I have done that. It's not what I meant to do, I was just giving him what he wanted, I just wanted him to feel loved.'_

"I…. I…. that's not-"

"I will never forgive you!" He punched me hard on the nose and I fell to the ground. It felt so good. It felt good because it was what I deserved. It felt good because it stole my focus. It felt good because when I felt pain, I couldn't think.

I was heaved onto someone's shoulders and carried outside far from the castle. I'm sure they were too consumed by their rage to notice that I didn't fight back.

'_To do this to me… to not want me to hurt him… they must love him.'_

The wind caught in my throat as my body was thrown to the ground and a kick was landed in my gut.

'_but I never meant to hurt him'_

Someone lifted me up by my hair. My eyes were too clouded by blood to see who it was. I lost count of the times I was struck in the face before my back was hit with a blunt object and I was sent sprawling.

'_I never meant to hurt anyone'_

I never fought back, though. I never fought back because this was what I deserved. It was what I wanted. I had no doubt that they would kill me, which somehow brought tears of joy to my eyes. It was like the nightmare would finally be over. At that time all the things I had thought were important stopped mattering.

'_It will be okay. I don't have to hurt anyone anymore. Pansy will be sad, but she'll be okay. She won't be dead. I will be dead, but she'll live on and grow to love someone who truly deserves it. The moment I die the nightmare will be over for everyone. And while I sleep on peacefully, everyone will be able to live happily.' _I smiled. Everything felt so peaceful now.

"What the fuck are you smiling about?" an enraged voice rang out… but it too sounded somehow peaceful. "You're thinking of what you're going to do to us once 'daddy' finds out what we've done, aren't you?" I felt warm lips whisper into my ear and break into maniacal laughter,

"You don't get it do you? You won't have any chance to do that. Your life up to now has been worthless, and now you're going to die like the scum you are" I was heaved up once again by my robe collar. It was the most pain I had ever felt. Blood poured from every part of my body which by now was just a mass of bruises. I didn't know if I had been blinded, or if my eyes were stuck shut from blood mud and tears.

'_oh, well, I won't be needing my sight much longer. Soon they will be permanently closed in a peaceful dream.'_

I was hardly breathing, and I was sure I couldn't even turn my head let alone stand. I just lay there. Waiting for sleep.

"we're done here" Weasley panted

"Is he… dead?" one of the other boys asked nervously.

"Does it matter, let's get out of here."

I couldn't see them, but I pictured them in my mind walking back to the castle covered in my blood as a sacrifice to make Potter happy again.

'_Will my blood bring peace to them? It's like the slaying of the monster that devoured the kings daughter so that the kingdom can live peacefully again. But… I don't want to die the way I lived… I don't want to die a monster. I wish I could have been something beautiful. I can't hold resentment fort the beautiful rose that was so lovingly cultivated and cared for. The rose that was so cherished… So loved…but I wish I had been loved. I want to die, but I wish it wasn't like this. I wish I wasn't the monster I am. I wish that I had died 16 years ago during the moment I was born, while I was still innocent. _

_No matter, I suppose. Soon I will sleep peacefully forever, and be innocent again.'_

I smiled again. That was all I ever wanted.


End file.
